The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
