I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
