there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
