On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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