Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Of course I have a pirate flag
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
