God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
