Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
