You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
