Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
