Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
