Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
