I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i think i have two assholes
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
