He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
