I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
