Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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