Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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