I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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