p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
