I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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