i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
