apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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