I'm jealous of your bromance
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
