cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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