is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
