I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
