You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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