we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
