I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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