I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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