woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
