I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
