cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
