so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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