I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
