Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
