are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize