i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
