haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
