I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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