wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
