note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
