Nicole vs. Life
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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