so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
