So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
