wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He better not be in your backpack
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
