I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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