I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
