The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
