i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
