I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
